


I Didn't Believe Them (When They Told Me That There Was No Saving You)

by bedegraine



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-07
Updated: 2011-09-07
Packaged: 2017-10-23 12:19:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 978
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/250218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bedegraine/pseuds/bedegraine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The eulogy fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Didn't Believe Them (When They Told Me That There Was No Saving You)

Finally, he starts.

"When I first met Merlin-" stop, choke, try again. "When I first-" stop, choke. Look out at the sea of black, see the sadness on their faces, the pain and the pity. Try something else.

"Receiving the call wasn't hard," softly, it's progress. "Making the arrangements wasn't really hard. Getting here this morning, wasn't hard." Pause. "This is hard."

He stops again and clears his throat, swallowing the hard lump that keeps cutting him off. He shuffles his notes and blinks a few times.

"This makes it real," and it almost sounds like he's talking to himself. Eyes not raised from the podium. "It wasn't hard because it didn't feel real. I thought he'd walk through the door any second. I kept- I kept checking my phone. To see if I had any messages. Waiting for him to call. I'm still waiting."

Stops and swallows again, and a girl in the first pew starts to cry. Her dark curls fall around her face elegantly, and her mascara begins to run. He thinks that if he could feel anything, he'd feel sad for her. Looks back down to the podium, at the carefully prepared speech, and continues.

"Even writing this, it felt- silly. As though he'd... he'd make fun of me afterwards. For being too formal, or soppy, or-" Stop, choke.

The crushing reality of truth.

"But he won't be making fun of me. He won't be saying a damn thing to me. Cause he's gone. And that is hard. It's the hardest thing I've ever-"

A forced stop. Eyes raised from his notes, bitterness and pain and loss in crashing waves, all the emotions he'd been incapable of for days. They rise in his throat like bile, push against the walls of his heart with no release. It's all he can do not to keel over. But somewhere in him is carefully held perseverance, a determination to finish. Eyes back to the podium.

Try again.

"When I first met Merlin, I was a different person. I'm sure everyone can vouch to that. But then he came along- with his big stupid grin and his giant ears and those _eyes_. And we fought, we bickered and we quarrelled and there were more than a few times that I though one of us would kill the other. But somehow among all of that, we became friends. He was- Merlin was my best friend. As much as we pretended to hate each other, that's how much we needed each other.

Or I needed him. I can't speak for him, I never could.

And sometimes it was a little scary, how well he knew me. Because I felt like my knowledge of him barely even scraped the surface. He made me feel transparent. He made me feel susceptible, and half the time I couldn't even tell you what was going on in his head. Even to this day, I couldn't tell you what he would say if he were here.  
It took me almost four years to realize what Merlin was to me.

He was- well, I've never been able to find a word, but his mother always tells us... told us that we were like two sides of the same coin. Two halves of a whole. And once I realized that- there was nothing else for me. We still fought, we still bickered, but at the end of the day... we were together. And I was a better person for knowing him. I never understood why he stayed with me through it all. God, he was too good for me.

He was kind and caring, everybody who met him would love him, and he had a smile that could light up the room. And until the day I met him, I- I was arrogant, egotistical, rude and condescending. But for some reason... he loved me. And God, did I love him. Do I love him. I can't- I don't... I don't think I'll ever stop.

This is what I know of Merlin Emrys: He had the biggest heart of anyone I've ever known. His eyes were so blue it was almost scary. He liked coffee more than tea, though he'd never admit it. In the mornings he looked as though a flock of birds had taken home in his hair. His smile was infectious. Everyone who knew him, knew him as gentle and loving. He was the first person to love me for just being me. He was my best friend.

This is what I know of myself: I always thought I was doomed to be bitter and empty forever. I thought people were selfish and greedy by nature, and included myself as one of them. Merlin Emrys changed me. Before I met Merlin, I was hopeless. And miserable. He made me into what I am today, and I can only hope that I am a fraction of the man he was.

I will never love anyone as much as I love him.

And it tears me apart every second. I miss him. I miss him so much it- but it's all I can do for him to keep going. To honour him by... living for him. Trying to bring some good into the world like he did each and every day.

I know that's what he would have wanted. I have to carry on, just like the world will. Without him.

My only regret is that I didn't know, in the first moments that I met him, the unplayable debt that I owed him.

I will miss Merlin until my dying day. I will love him with my last breath. But wherever he is, I know he's at peace. Say hello to my mother for me, Merlin. I'll see you soon."  
Final stop. Step down from the podium, ignore the tears that fall unabashedly, and keep going.


End file.
